I think i sorta joined a cult last night
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
