I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
