I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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