Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
