1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
