Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
