i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
