You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
whose parrot is this?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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