I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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