I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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