Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
