That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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