He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I need to stop coming to work sober
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
