I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
