if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
