Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
