Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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