you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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