Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
