So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
