When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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