Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
