only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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