Don't make out with my wife yet
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
