If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Come back. Shots need mouths.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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