Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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