how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
My vagina just clenched in fear
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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