if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
