You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm really busy with my period
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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