As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
