**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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