i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
