I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
