Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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