Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
