why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
