I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
