I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
