seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize