Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
