I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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