I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
