dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
