I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
