ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
