the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
