Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
