I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
