Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
