Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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